Saturday, 17 November 2012

19 weeks later

Wow! I feel like its been forever since i wrote my last post.
Our little vba2c baby, Indee is now 19weeks old...
Life is pretty amazing!
Auctually i didnt realize how having a baby could be soo good and normal.

19weeks on and im not shadowed by postnatal depression, im not still taking pain meds from a botched surgery, im not in pain, im not sad and freshly traumatised.
19weeks on from my babys birth i am genuinley HAPPY! I am loving being a mummy again! I can walk like a normal person! I have that little natural tummy pouch that only natural births keep! I am HAPPY!
I remember my babys birth, i remember her first few hours earthside, i remember her first, second and twentieth days here with us.
I have truly never been this happy in all my life. From the outside my life truly is perfect!!
So a natural birth was definatley something i feel i needed to personally experiance to feel as though i am whole as a woman. I know there will be alot of you out there that dont understand me saying that, i mean clearly i am a woman and ive had children before. I just cannot describe to you how it feels to have something like birthing your baby taken away from you in the most horrible way, being violated and traumatised when it didnt have to be that way...and to then do something so normal and natural that happens everyday, all over the world, to millions of women. Im empowered and i have confidence. I finally know what it feels like to birth my baby.

My one setback during this journey...
So throughout this journey i truly believed (although i didnt admit this to anyone), that giving birth naturally this time i would be 100% healed. My previous experiances i would be able to let go of and they wouldnt be able to hurt me any more.
How wrong was i!
Although i now feel whole and cant wait to naturally give birth again, i feel soooo much anger then i ever have about any of my previous experiances.

-How dare the doctors and nurses treat me the way they did because i was just another paitent.
-How dare they touch and violate my body and my babies home the way they did.
-How dare they give me drugs without my permission...had i been on the street could they not have been arrested?! 
-How dare they strap me on a bed unnessecarilly when they know full well this raises my chances on having a ceserean!
-How dare they put my baby, both my babies in the dangers they did.

((More??? Honestly i just cannot handle to let it all go and let it all out tonight!))

The thing is though that they do this everyday, to millions of unsuspecting pregnant women. And if they cant convince the women to do what they want, they scare the men who are supposed to be our rocks, our support. And then the doubt is there, we feel like if hubbys worried then so should i.

When will this stop??!!

As pregnant women we need to be the ones to take the control into our own hands. We need to stop thinking of doctors as gods and start believeing that our bodies are our temples. Because, well, they are. We are not sick. We are pregnant!
Lets start NOT giving our control away to these doctors who do not always have our best interests at heart.

Doctors want control, they want to control you.
Doctors are scared.
When they loose control and cant convince you what to do, they get scared.

Its a fact of life that women grow and nuture and keep alive their babies, women go into labor and birth their babies. Our bodies are made this way! Otherwise why would we have breasts, why would we grow a placenta, why would we have periods...
When a women is in labor, its her and her body that are in charge. Its her body that does the work. The only way a doctor has semi control is to strap you to a bed and pump you, and essentially your baby, full of drugs...then your a tad incoherent...they can do what they like and tell you what they like. If your out of it on drugs, your baby is likely to be feeling the same as you, therefore stuffing with your babies heart and causing fetal distress and ending in a ceserean...Am i right?!

Fuck you doctors for damaging me!!

Ok...Rant over....for now...

So recently ive been thinking about where to go from here.
Ive never really had a career and i know that i ultimatley want to be a midwife. However i find that a tad unrealistic at the moment as i have 3 kiddies under 5 and just would not have the time or energy for full time on campus study for 3years. Plus Indee is fully breastfed so it just wouldnt work...
I have decided to become a childbirth educator. I am soo excited! So so excited! I havent felt this excited about anything in soo long!

As damaged as i feel sometimes i am thankful for my 3 healthy and beautiful children. I think if i was to write everything i have floating in my head i would be here all night. I promise to write more often, maybe i should rename this blog...the damaged ceserean mumma?!

So thats about me for now.

P.S- What do you all think of me writing a book based on this blog??


  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story - it's inspiring to hear that you had a successful VBAC after two C's!

  2. I know the feeling I went into labor with my frist but my blood pressure went down and they gave me this med and his hart bet went down so it was emergency c-section and I was so sad a bout that and with my second, I want to have a vaginal birth cause like you said I want to know how that feels to bring my baby into the world

  3. I would love to read a book on this topic and about your journey. I hope one day to have a 3rd baby at home after 2 CS and have found your blog to not only sum up my myriad of feelings but to also be so very inspirational. Thank you.