Wednesday, 4 July 2012
My ups & downs...40weeks + 4days
Well here i am...."overdue". This pic was taken at 40 weeks and 2 days. I didnt think id last that long but as i write im now 4days past my "EDD".
Im excited to meet this little bubby but OMG am i battling hard with my emotions regarding everything else surrounding life at the moment!
I dont even know where to start. My amazing independant midwife that i praise all the time has had to take personal leave, almost a week now so im wondering when she'll be back and also hopeing that everything is ok! Im now stuck with her backups...neither of which will come near me as they arent as experianced with VBAC's or women like me. And yesterday at my appointment the backup wasnt even there so i got the DHB nurse midwives, although nice enough they wont do more then check my blood pressure and do a ctg...a bit like the back ups.
Now im FREAKING OUT that im gunna get to 10days overdue and begin getting pressure from the OB's over at the hospital. My plan with my midwife was regular stretch and sweeps and cervical checks to ensure things were slowly happening and maybe shake things up a little bit. Hubby now has that job as i cant quite reach in there to where i need to be. Dont worry we know the risks and what could happen and we are completley feeling safe and at ease with doing this..(especially compared to the alternatives!)
Those 'tightenings' i was getting in one of my last posts had increased since Saturday (6 days ago) to contractions. They become strong, regular and stay, i get convinced something is happening so lie down to rest...wake up and they are back to little tightenings. However i now remember what real contractions feel like and can feel them coming etc. Some i can talk through and others where i completley have to stop everything and go within myself. So things are starting, progressing well and then stopping and then repeating...My cervix is sitting at about 2-3cms and very soft etc. So encouraging and letting me know things are definatley happening.
This labor is reminding me a tad of my first....up for 2 nights with mainly back pain and some tummy stuff going on then stopping during the day. At 12days 'overdue' being called in for assesment for induction...being only 18, having no support and being naieve i go and am found to be 6cms dialated.............................................The difference being my waters were broken, (without prior consent or knowledge) so that really super kicked things off. Now im facing this slow dialation process but as noone will give me a damned vaginal examination i dont really know where i stand or whats going on.
Trying to stay positive and stick to my guns but its hard. Days like today, no contact from backup midwife, baby moving but very quiet compared to usual and lots of these contractions....what do i do?! I just keep going like im going. Im starting to let fears come aboard with stories of full term and overdue stillborns and pressure to relent my plans and give up my plans to book a cser. Im getting to the point where its like all that ive worked for doesnt matter as now i have all these things creeping up against me. Its not fair and it fricken SUCKS!!
Im not in a hurry to get the baby out and thats why im like omg they arent doing anything...infact my midwife and i voiced concerns to each other that once i hit my "due date" i really am on the clock. People can be soo niaeve and unfair and put all of us in this one box of rules and regulations. The bloody truth is that sometimes, some of us just dont fit!! Thats not something ive come up with, its pure fact!!
Im left thinking, what can i do?! I believe that for the saftey of me and my baby i need to begin labor. I need to be 'allowed' to labor with the intention to birth my baby naturally. Now im faced with midwives and doctors that dont believe i can, dont believe in my body and truly believe surgery is a better option for me.....dont forget they dont know me, my history or anything apart from whats in those files.
Did i mention i now no longer can labor at home. As soon as anything happens my 'instructions' are to ring the backup midwive (who i get who knows), head to the Taupo maternity where they will asses me, if im over 3cms dialated i then "HAVE TO" get my husband to drive me the 45-60mins to the hospital where i will be admitted, told i have to be continuosly monitored and get an iv etc etc etc.
I am going to be fighting the 'system' the whole way. Its a fricken joke! Im glad i have my husband and he believes what i do but im scared they will get him cornered away from me, scare him and in turn scare me into things we dont want or nessecarily need.
This whole unassisted birth at home is becoming more and more attractive!!!
Hmm will keep you updated...sorry for the down post but like i said last time...my blog, my feelings, my online diary, ME!