Monday, 25 June 2012

My fears, my worrys, my hopes...39weeks & 1day

39 weeks and 1 day today.
We're almost there tiny baby in my belly.
It cant be long now.

This whole pregnancy ive thought that your 'estimated due date' is a perfect sounding date...July 1st. Could you have other plans maybe? For the last hour ive been getting uncomfortable tightenings in my tummy with pains in my back. Hehe. Sounds promising although ive had this before...are you tricking me littleone?! Maybe ill clean and tidy the house a bit..however im sure daddy would do that as soon as he got home. Hes a pretty good cleaner-uppera!!
Today is the 25th, i was born on the 25th and so was Mr 4years. Maybe this littleone will be to!

So enough of my rambling.
I really wanted to share something with you all. A book that ive been reading latley.....

A modern woman's guide to a natural empowering birth by Katrina Zaslavsky.

This book is truly beautifully written and has some amazing and honestly empowering stories in it! I live in New Zealand...the author lives in Australia, i ordered and got mine within a week, pretty great service!! Im also friends with the author on Facebook (gotta love it!). I definatley recommend it to every pregnant woman!

Its about time we start sharing the amazingly boring and natural stories of childbirth and not keep spreading the fear we have for many years that has got the ceserean rate up to well over double what it should be.

A bit of an update now....At my last midwife appointment a few days ago baby was jumping and moving and grooving around superbly!! I was on the monitor for a good half an hour or so. My little toddlers did sooo good at occupying themselves plus it really helps having an amazing midwife like me!

OUCH....another uncomfortable tightening!!

She gave me an internal and found that although my cervix was thick and back it was soft so thats encouraging!! Up untill now ive forgotten that im not even at my EDD yet. People keep asking if ive had my baby yet, if im in labor yet. Well nope but ill let you know. Lol. I could still go another 2 or 3 weeks. My first was 12days over his EDD.

WOAH and another one!!! Hmmm....Maybe that bumpy car ride has dislodged something...?!?!

I wasnt going to add this but i think i might. At the start of this blog i promised full disclosure of my thoughts and my feelings in regards to this vbac journey. Id be lieing if i didnt share this with you all......Saturday arvo i lost it. I broke down and told, well yelled at my hubby to book in an elective cser. I spent the whole afternoon and night crying and crying and crying. I got scared. I had a pain on the left lower side of my scar. I began to tell myself that i had a dehiscence of my scar and i was going to start bleeding and need an emergency ceserean that night. I even packed my bags for the hospital and made hubby come home from work early.
I was scared and although i told hubby about the pain, i refused (in my head) to tell anyone else, eg my midwife, because of the thought of another cser.

Even talking about it now im crying. Im prepared to give birth to this baby but i am not prepared, emergency or not to have another cser. The thoughts of my past are too raw and real. The memories of being put under and having my body cut and torn and pulled and the feeling of hands inside me and not being able to breathe as the doctor put all his weight and effort into pushing my chest to get the baby out.

Yes, i have had 2 babies grow and live inside my body.
Yes, i have had 2 babies come from inside my body.
BUT...I have never seen my children less then a few hours old.
I have never been present at either of my childrens births.
I have never seen or smelt or held my newborn babies.
The chance to birth my own children was taken from me by disgusting medical PROFESSIONALS who did not give me a voice, who did not see me as a woman, who didnt see me as anything more then an incubator and another name on a list of things to do!

I AM ANGRY! I AM HURT AND SCARRED...Not only physically but emotionally aswell and although i will and have got through what happened to me, i will NEVER be over it!

I am trying soo hard, soo soo hard to put these fears aside but its hard. Its really hard.

So next, my hopes and wants......
I want whats rightly mine. To hold and touch my baby before anyone else. To touch my babys freshly born skin, blood, vernix, fluid and all! Let me see what my baby is before everyone else in the world knows. Dont take those precious first few moments away from me. Why is it i cannot remember my babies first few hours, days, weeks at all...All i know are photos and memories of pain and helplessness.

This time, let me hold my baby first. Let me rub her/his vernix into their skin. Let me feed her/him when he/she crys. Let me be her/his mother! See me as a person aswell as someone giving birth.

If i NEED a ceserean it will be because mine and/or my babys life depends on it. I can live with that but i will not be okay. I will never be ok with the idea that all of my children were ripped from my body. I will need time, i will need space and i will need support.

My plans are to labor at home and from there...we shall see.


  1. Hugs to you (((hugs)))…You did something quite remarkable here…you voiced your fears…you need to do this..Get it out…you have a right to feel angry and hurt, and It’s totally understanding and normal to feel scared. I think that this blog entry is such a good release for you, to get it out, and tell the world how angry you are. You are so strong, and no one ….no one can take that from you! You have gained an immense amount of wisdom…. and your strength- physically and mentally, and emotionally, it cannot be measured..It’s too strong.
    You know your body, and I understand you 110%, how you feel about carrying your babies and having them taken out of you.. I think it’s something that we are always going to “carry” within our hearts. It leaves a mark, physically and emotionally…and it travels with you to the next pregnancy and creeps in again at the end…. But you are taking it back-your right to birth your sweet baby as you need to. You have stood tall and faced so many things that may have stood in your way..but you are strong enough to move them aside. I am happy to read that your body is “warming up”. Your body and baby knows what to do…you’ve always had the power J

     Get it all out; don’t keep it in…then… Find that peace, and ALL of that that anger, ALL of that hurt, that may creep in from before…announce it, let it fall away in those tears that fall off your cheek…let it evaporate elsewhere.  Take this moment for what it is…this moment..One moment at a time.  Now is your time to have peace… deserve this… await your sweet baby …who will soon be in your arms….you can do this!

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Hi everyone. Up until now I'm what you might call the silent partner in all this, although I seem to be more commonly known as 'hubby' in these posts, although I prefer "DH" (darling husband) as I was named in one of the first post lol. As you may have now guessed I am Larissa's husband. Like most of you I have been following my wife's blog and I think it is about time I chucked in my two cents worth. Firstly I would just like to confirm that yes I am a "pretty good cleaner-uppera" and I can hold my own with the Bree Van de Kamps of this world (yes I know, shameless desperate house wives reference lol). But in all seriousness I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone out there that has posted support and well wishes in response to this blog. This is such a big deal to my wife and I know how much it means to her to be getting support instead of the usual ignorant damnation of a vbac. One person out there even called Larissa inspirational and although Larissa played it down in a latter post I think that is exactly what she is! And I will tell you why. When we found out we were pregnant again Larissa raised the issue of a vba2c and homebirth with me and my immediate reaction was, "No way! How could we take such a risk when all the doctors say how dangerous it is?!" I like most people out there I took the word of a doctor as correct and verifiable. And for good reason might I add (or so I though). As an employee of one of our nations major emergency services any dealing I have had with the medical profession has always been one of life saving intervention in major trauma situation. So I was used to seeing them save lives that otherwise almost certainly would have been lost. Also my own experiences with broken limbs and my fathers heart attack had been positive ones with life/limb saving results. So like most people out there I was fairly indoctrinated with the idea that doctors know best and always acted in our best interests. When my wife challenged me with a different idea about doctors, specifically their role in unnecessary cesareans and the idea of a vba2c at home I challenged her to prove it and show me the alternative. Well show me she did!!! She spent hour upon hour researching the internet and getting a hold of every vbac book she could get her hands on. Now I would just like to point out that I am definitely at the stubborn end of male stubbornness, I also have all the usual god given traits that come with being a male such as ignorance, pigheadedness etc etc. So i don't change my mind let alone my whole perspective and outlook on something very easily. That being said I am (arguably my wife would say) no idiot. So when Larissa presented me with the overwhelming facts, statistics and information on vbac and unnecessary cesareans, as well as finding a credible midwife supportive of a vba2c homebirth, I was completely swayed and convinced by her argument. I now look at doctors and the way the hospital system treats birth in a completely new light. More importantly I support my wife in her goal for a natural vba2c birth 110% but best of all I am not just supporting her because she is my wife, but I am supporting her because I too believe what she is doing is in the best interests of her and our baby. My wife's effort to educate herself on this issue has really empowered her to challenge the status quo to blaze her own trail to her goal of a vba2c. And personally I can't wait to catch my own child as it is born into this world the way it can be when we all just take a step back and let mums do what mums have been doing for hundreds of years.

  4. I absolutely LOVED this!!! The last few paragraphs were very real and raw and I could feel your sadness. I've never experienced anything but vaginal deliveries all 3 times, but the first 2 were not the births that I wanted (if I only knew then what I know now about birth) ... It was just a shame how I elected to have my babies induced before they were ready and an even bigger shame that my Dr's allowed it both times when it wasn't a medical necessity. It is very sad to see the state of 'birth' in this modern time. So many women, missing out on what is an amazing, beautiful experience that they deserve to have and so many babies missing out on what is rightfully theirs to begin with. A natural birth. A peaceful birth into this world.... So few people even realize the damage done by c sections. It is very frightening to think how uninformed the general public is when it comes to things like this... and then women who want to birth naturally are frowned upon by other women, and doctors, for wanting to do what they KNOW is best for their babies. ... Sad. Very sad times. I am so grateful for people out there like you who are trying to normalize natural, vagina birth and shed light on the crimes being committed against humanity when it comes to how our children are brought into this world.
    It literally blows my mind sometimes.
    But on a good note, I absolutely LOVED what your lovely husband had to say and can't get over how awesome it is to have men educating themselves and understanding what is going on.... He is great!!!